WHERE'S JOHNNY?

This is actually a sketch within a sketch called "Where's Johnny."  A woman who has been in a coma for 28 years wakes up and escapes from the local hospital.  She comes to The Tonight Show to pursue her dream of meeting Johnny Carson. She meets Jimmy Fallon and she requests him to do The Great Carnac.  The Great Carnac Sketch is written in Carson's exact tone, it's a little long to reflect the original format and tone of the sketch, but it is definitely worth it.  Enjoy!

INT: The Tonight Show Set in NYC

 

Jimmy finishes his monologue and sits at his desk, his cell phone rings and it’s security.

 

[SOUND FX: RING, RING]

 

JIMMY

Hello, Security?

 

A 78-year-old woman has escaped from the hospital?

 

She’s been in a coma for 28 years and wants to see Johnny Carson?

 

It’s on her bucket list?

 

Whoo Boy…

[hangs up the phone]

 

[OLD WOMAN BURSTS THROUGH MAIN CURTAIN

WHERE GUESTS NORMALLY STAND WHEN MAKING THEIR ENTRANCE]

 

OLD WOMAN

[Confusion builds as she first looks over at Jimmy, 

furrowed brow,


Then looks over at Higgins, even more confused

And finally looks over at The Roots totally lost]

 

JIMMY

[Gets out of his seat to help her over to “the couch.”]

 Ma’am, may I help you?

 

OLD WOMAN

Sonny, is this The Tonight Show?

 

JIMMY

Yes, it is.

 

OLD WOMAN

[Cantankerously]

Well, who the hell are you?

 

JIMMY

I’m Jimmy Fallon.

 

OLD WOMAN

[Still confused]

 [Looking at Higgins and The Roots and noticing]

 

There’s no Ed, no Doc...

 

[Incredulously]

Where’s Johnny?

 

JIMMY

Ma’am, Johnny Carson retired 28 years ago.

 

OLD WOMAN

Who are you again?

 

JIMMY

I’m Jimmy Fallon,

I’m the host of The Tonight Show.

 

OLD WOMAN

So Johnny’s retired.

 

What’s he doing?

Playing tennis, or

[sarcastically] getting married for the umpteenth time?

 

JIMMY

[sorrowfully]

Ma’am, Johnny.is.gone.

 

OLD WOMAN

Gone?

 

JIMMY

…To that “Big Desk in the Sky”

 

OLD WOMAN

[looks up to the sky and

starts to cry a little,

then more and more]

 

JIMMY

[Offers her a Kleenex while trying to console her]

There, there…

 

OLD WOMAN

[After comedically playing out sobbing as she

comes to terms that Johnny Carson has not only retired, 

but that he’s also dead]

 

Sonny, will you do me a favor?

 

JIMMY

Sure, anything.

 

OLD WOMAN

[Sweet little old lady charm]

 

Will you do Carnac for me?

 

JIMMY

Carnac the Magnificent, sure.

 

Hold on, I’ll be right back.

[Jimmy scoots backstage to put on Carnac outfit]

 

STEVE HIGGINS

[Walks over to home base with a handful of envelopes,

Higgins changes places with the OLD WOMAN and both take a seat]

[when Jimmy is ready]

 

THE ROOTS

[Play the same type of middle-eastern music 

used for Carnac’s entrances]

 

STEVE HIGGINS

We have a great visitor from the East,

The famous seer, sage, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-omniscient…

Ladies and Gentlemen, Carnac the Magnificent!

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[Fumbles getting through the curtain, 

mock trips on the step by home base 

and somewhat rattled, he sits down]

 

OLD WOMAN

[meanwhile, she is taking this all in with childlike joy and anticipation]

 

STEVE HIGGINS

Are you all right?

[holding hands up]
 

...I know I am not to touch the body

of our great visitor from the east.

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

Sim Sah lah Dim

 

STEVE HIGGINS

[Fawning over Carnac to welcome him]

 

Welcome, welcome, welcome. 

I have the envelopes here,

they’ve been hermetically-sealed

Kept in a mayonnaise jar

On Funk & Wagnall's porch

Since noon today.

 

No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you…

You, in your incredibly divine way, will ascertain the answers,

Without ever before seeing the questions.  

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[Nods regally]

 

STEVE HIGGINS

I have in my hand, the first envelope.

[hands it to Carnac]

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

 

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

A Herd of Turtles

 

ENVELOPE #1

What do you call a Mitch McConnell look-alike contest?

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

Silverware, a toilet seat, and the Bachelor's, Peter Weber

 

ENVELOPE #2

Name three things that need to be sanitized before each use.


JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

"Pass the Ammunition"

 

ENVELOPE #3

What do you do when you get on a NY Subway?

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

Collegiate Rowing

  

ENVELOPE #4

Name a sport that could put “Aunt Becky” in jail.

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives

 

ENVELOPE #5

Name three bad choices for a first date.

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

The Invisible Man

 

ENVELOPE #6

What is the job description for Vice President Mike Pence?

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

A racehorse, a dog with an AKC pedigree, and a Kardashian

 

ENVELOPE #7

Name 3 things that were bred just so they could make money.

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

"Hands On"

 

ENVELOPE #8

Describe how Joe Biden acts when he’s with a woman.

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

A credit card and Kanye West's Porsche

 

ENVELOPE #9

Name two things that are easily swiped.

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

White Russian

 

ENVELOPE #10

What is Vladimir Putin before he gets a tan?

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

Trump Tower

 

ENVELOPE #11

What do you get

when you pile all the Presidential lies

on top of one another?

 

HIGGINS

I hold in my hand the last envelope.

 

AUDIENCE

[Applause]

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[somewhat indignant]

May your sister be ordered to shelter-in-place 

with a herd of yaks.

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[puts to his head, thinks for a second]

[tears envelope on the short end, blows open the envelope

Pulls out an index card and reads]

 

"Just hanging around"

 

ENVELOPE #12

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

 

AUDIENCE

[anticipating a groan]

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[mischievously]

May a swarm of killer hornets

take up residence in your jockstrap.

[Stands and does the circling gesture 

from the forehead towards Higgins]

 

STEVE HIGGINS

[Returns the gesture]

 

JIMMY AS CARNAC

[Does the circling gesture to the OLD WOMAN]

 

[Pauses]

 

Is that the way you remember Carnac?

 

OLD WOMAN

[Happy and excited, clapping her hands with glee]

 

Oh, yes, oh yes, that’s perfect, Johnny!

 

JIMMY

It’s Jimmy.

 

OLD WOMAN

[Stands up and hugs Jimmy]

 

I love you, Jimmy!

 

OLD WOMAN

[heading toward the curtain, 

waves at Jimmy then stops 

holding her finger up 

in the air to make a point]

 

You know what?

 

JIMMY

What?

 

OLD WOMAN

You’re funnier!

[Runs over to give Jimmy a hug before 

 Ducking out through the curtain]

 

THE ROOTS

[As the sketch ends,
they play the first few notes of “Johnny’s Theme”]

 

 

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