Monologue Jokes

 

  • Facebook has determined that President Trump’s accounts will be suspended for two more years as FB has said that Trump is a “risk to public safety.” They claim his posts are so fishy that others are getting salmonella.  
     

  • President Biden was criticized for skipping off to the beach midweek to celebrate his wife’s 70th birthday. Trump said that this was hideous. Joe asked, “For going to the beach?” Trump said, “No, for having a 70-year-old wife.”
     

  • Ben and Jerry’s is still waiting on Federal approval to roll out their CBD ice cream. They come in pints, half gallons and dime bags.
     

  • Queen Elizabeth is upset about Prince Harry’s oversharing about his mental health and suffering. Harry lives in a $15 million dollar house in a neighborhood with Oprah Winfrey. Harry has suffered greatly, he needs to live near “better celebrities.”
     

  • Starting next month, Disneyland California will be selling a Panini sandwich that costs $100. But in theme park style, they’ve got a sign, “You must the ‘this rich’ to eat at this restaurant.”
     

  • Meghan Markle wants another luxurious and extravagant baby shower.  You’ve got to give credit to Markle, she took her womb and turned it into an ATM.
     

  • According to a study, although being together even more during the pandemic, people are having less sex. The sad thing about this is that Bill Gates is getting more action that you are.

OLDIES BUT GOODIES

  • “Major” the first pet bit someone Monday for the second time. When asked, “How do you like the Secret Service agents?”  Major said, “rare.”
     

  • According to a study, after almost a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart had shrunk. In a similar study, after many years as speaker of the house, the same thing happened to Nancy Pelosi.
     

  • Kanye West, now worth over 6.5 billion has become the richest black man in US History.  6.5 billion dollars, that’s more than enough to pay for a butt lift for everybody in Bora Bora.

 

  • After calling Vladimir Putin a killer, Putin challenged Joe Biden to a live online debate. Biden said he’s looking forward to debating his favorite topic:  “Mary Ann or Ginger.”

 

  • President Biden tripped and stumbled twice as he walked up the stairs to Air Force One. Poor Joe, when asked which president he looked up to the most, he said, “From this vantage point, all of them.”

  • Hilaria Baldwin just had her 6th child, some are calling her a super mama, some are just calling her a super spreader.

  • Dr. Jill Biden says she will assume a more active role as the first lady. That’s probably because Joe Biden will assume a less active role as President.
     

  • President Trump has established an office of “the former President” in Florida. The décor is inspirational, the urinal in the executive washroom contains a photo of Joe Biden.
     

  • Coca-Cola has launched Coke with Coffee.  If they want Coke sales to go through the roof, then they should just put the cocaine back into the recipe.
     

  • Joe Biden has added a moon rock to the Oval Office in support of America’s exploration of outer space. Actually, it’s not a moon rock, it was sediment from his basement where he stayed throughout his campaign.
     

  • An Oklahoma lawmaker is pushing a bill to establish a hunting season for Big Foot. Legislation for a “Big Foot hunting season” is just another vain attempt by conservatives to uphold the second amendment.
     

  • Head coach and GM of the NE Patriots, Bill Belichick has declined his Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Belichick is going for a minimalist look on his mantle this year: no Medal of Freedom or Super Bowl LV trophy.
     

  • Facebook sent out a memo urging its employees not to wear Facebook-branded items for safety. Employees are going under the radar, they’re wearing clothing from MySpace.
     

  • Bill Gates, a big advocate for climate change is attempting to buy a private jet firm.  Is this a good idea? The man who wants to be involved in aviation is the same one who can’t keep Microsoft Word from crashing.

  • ​Alex Trebek’s last episode of Jeopardy was aired last night. If TV were fair, we’d have more episodes of Alex Trebek’s “Jeopardy” and fewer episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
     

  • A staffer from Buckingham Palace is now in jail for stealing items from the palace and selling them on E-Bay. So far, the biggest thing stolen from the palace for resale and profit is Prince Harry.
     

  • With only 10 days before Biden’s swearing-in, Nancy Pelosi is calling for the removal of President Trump from office. Poor Nancy, she’s suffering from a bad case of premature eradication.
     

  • With such a stressful year, people are drinking a little bit more so “Dry January” isn’t a big thing. People aren’t backing off.  More partying begs the question, “Which strain of weed goes with what strain of coronavirus?”
     

  • Johnny Carson’s original DeLorean is up for auction. You may not know that the car once broke down on the freeway and those gullwing doors prevented Johnny from getting out. Johnny said if these doors were any more constrictive, they’d be an NBC contract.
     

  • Late Night Host James Corden says he’s sick and tired of the way he looks and plans to do something about it. He walked out on stage the other night and said, “Does this TV Show make my butt look big?”

  • Over 190,000 ceiling fans sold are being recalled because the blades could spin-off making this was the worst spin-off since Joanie loves ChaChi.
     

  • The company who makes King’s Hawaiian Rolls has a lawsuit filed against it, saying that its “Hawaiian rolls aren’t even made in Hawaii.” The company’s defense was, “Well neither was Barack Obama.”
     

  • On Gallup’s Most Admired Person’s List, President Trump was named the most admired man. The Democrats split their votes between Obama, Biden, and Dr. Fauci, whom you might know better as, “hero, zero and bozo.”
     

  • On Gallup’s Most Admired Person’s List, President Trump was named the most admired man. He was also voted “Class clown” and “Least Likely to Concede.” 
     

  • Paul McCartney now has his first number one album in Britain in 31 years. Apparently, Paul’s album has gotten more spins in the UK than Sarah Ferguson. 
     

  • Authorities in Florida found 74 pounds of cocaine floating in the waters near the Florida Keys. Tourists looked at it as party time, but locals saw the incoming white stuff and muttered, “Gentrification.”  
     

  • Republican Party officials are speculating that President Trump will want an airport named after him.  And in accordance with his “loss” in 2020. It’ll be called Chump International.

 

  • Kim Kardashian is giving $500 to 1,000 people. That’s what I like about Kim.  Herbert Hoover once promised a chicken in every pot, 100 years later, Kim promises a Birkin bag in every closet.

  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was beaten out by a colleague for an important seat on the House Democratic Steering Committee. Her colleagues said AOC can be a little bratty sometimes and the best seat for her to sit in is a booster seat.
     

  • The Cambridges and the Sussexes have sent Christmas gifts to one another and it was quite telling. Not to say that Harry is in deep doo-doo with the Royal Family or anything, but William sent him a Diaper Genie.

  • According to a study over 1/3 of Americans have a secret stash of money from their partners. Some cougars call this “earnest money,” so they can keep up their pool boy “Ernest.”

  

  • Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip just celebrated their 73rd Wedding Anniversary. Not to be outdone, one day Meghan Markle plans to celebrate her 73rd husband.

 

  • After Alex Trebek’s passing, Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings will become the interim host.  His appointment was unanimous and agreed upon by all the swing states.

   

  • The Presidential election seems to be dragging on forever.  It’s possible that when Santa comes for Christmas, his bag won’t contain toys for boys and girls, it’ll be full of more votes for Joe Biden.
     

  • Kanye West voted for the first time in his life when he voted for himself as president via a write-in vote. Kanye’s handwriting was easily distinguishable, it was written in his signature crayon.

 

  • Jennifer Aniston said it is not funny to vote for Kanye and that we should be responsible. And the irony is that a woman who known for not being able to choose the right man for a husband is advising us on choosing the leader of the free world.

  

  • Scientists have now observed the phenomena of “Fast Radio Bursts” for the first time in our galaxy. It’s no big deal, the Man in the Moon is tired of hearing election coverage too and he’s just trying to change the station.

 

  • Despite a country-wide ban on smoking in N. Korea, Kim Jong Un continues to puff away.  So the only butt allowed now in N. Korea, is Kim Jong Un.

 

  • The UK just went under a second lockdown making it illegal for more than 6 people to gather together at a time; which could affect the Royal Family’s Christmas plans. Except for Prince Andrew, who said that “6 at one time” is perfect. 

 

  • Macy’s Santaland will not be in person this year and Santa won’t be leaving the North Pole. So now if people still want to be given free stuff, they’ll have to wait until Joe Biden gets in office. 

 

  • Since he no longer represents the Royal Family, Prince Harry was denied permission in the UK to participate in a Remembrance Day Ceremony.  Harry wanted to lay a wreath, while palace officials said he should just shut up and go lay Meghan Markle.

 

  • Britney Spears is still trying to get her father, Jamie removed as her conservator. Daddy Spears has his hands in her pockets so much, it’s considered incest.

 

  • Prince Charles has launched a line of sustainable clothing. The coat pockets are secured by a zipper to protect your assets from pickpockets, like your ungrateful non-working son and his self-absorbed wife.

 

  • Ant Anstead, whose divorce from his new wife Christina was just announced will also be leaving his TV Show “Wheeler Dealers.” Ant said, “He can’t seem to hold onto a job or his wives.”  Don’t worry Ant, we know a president who has the exact same problem.

  • ​The Charlie Brown holiday shows won’t be on network TV. There won’t be “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” So now, if the kids want to see something big and orange on TV, they’ll have to watch reruns of “The Apprentice.”

 

  • ​Jennifer Aniston has rescued a new puppy named “Lord Chesterfield.” Here’s someone with a royal title that will be way more loyal than Meghan and Prince Harry.​

  • Sy Sperling, hair loss sufferer and creator of “The Hair Club for Men” passed away last week. To be consistent with his life's mission, he’ll be buried underneath a patch of artificial turf.

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