Monologue Jokes

Some Jokes from July

Amazon has now given their Echoes a male voice, so now instead of Alexa it is Ziggy. Can you imagine the routines you could make: Good Night Beautiful, Rise and Shine Sweetie, or yes babe, those jeans do make your butt look big.

 

According to a new poll, a majority of likely voters don’t believe that Kamala Harris has what it takes to be president. And in an additional poll, Joe Biden doesn’t have what it takes either.

 

Bill Cosby believes that he deserves to be compensated for his three years in jail. Meanwhile wife, Camille believes she deserves to be compensated for the years she stayed in that marriage.

 

The Biden administration is rolling back on a Trump administration rule that allowed more water to come through the shower. Biden wins, not only did he hose Trump in the election, he has now hosed him in the shower.  

 

Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers visited the White House yesterday to be honored by President Joe Biden. The oldest quarterback was honored by the oldest President, which was very cool. What’s cooler is that his award was given to him by Moses.

 

Disney World in Florida is getting ready to launch its animatronic Joe Biden replica in the Hall of Presidents. This is going to be a huge attraction. People will be lining up for miles to see who’s been pulling Joe’s strings.

 

Because of her hearing last month, A “Free Britney” bill is being introduced in Congress. If Bill Cosby can run free on the streets of America, then so can Britney Spears.

 

Because of her hearing last month, A “Free Britney” bill is being introduced in Congress. Fair is fair, if any performer should be restricted to do crazy stuff in public, it should be Justin Bieber.

 

Prince William said he’s always been inspired by John F. Kennedy’s 1961 initiative to put a man on the moon, while his Uncle Andrew was inspired by JFK’s initiative for having affairs with beautiful women.
 

Fox News is launching a new streaming service, Fox Weather. It’ll be the first one to let you know when a ‘snowflake’ is spotted.

 

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry won an award for limiting themselves to having just two children. Friends are urging them to go for two more: narcissists are cheaper by the six-pack.  

 

Sir Richard Branson made news yesterday as the first billionaire in space. Branson hit space by traveling over 50 miles above the earth. Snoop Dogg laughed saying he knew a much more fun way to get high.

 

Michael Avenatti, the disgraced lawyer who tried to go after Trump in the Stormy Daniels case, got sentenced to 2.5 years in prison. Newly released Bill Cosby said, “You can have my room.”

 

Flip or Flop’s Christina Haack met her new boyfriend after smoking toad venom. Toad venom is full of hallucinogens. If you’re hallucinating, I guess you can be under the impression that you’re not only smart, but you’re relevant.

 

North Koreans were heartbroken by Kim’s emaciated looks. Instead of looking like a strong racehorse, Kim looks more like the jockey.

 

North Koreans were heartbroken by Kim’s emaciated looks. They say they have more respect for a short, fat leader with a bowl cut than a skinny one.

 

After a bad week in office citing a toxic work culture, Democrats are worried about Kamala Harris not being a viable candidate in 2024. If they can’t find a strong candidate that embraces the party’s ideals, Mitt Romney is always available.

 

Former President Donald Trump is suing Google, Facebook, and Twitter, for censorship. Trump misses Tweeting. His favorite things were hooting with the owls and tweeting like a turkey.

 

The Biden administration is launching a “door-to-door” effort to vaccinate Americans. They have their own little passive-aggressive thing going on: see, if they can’t stick it to you in the arm, they’ll stick it to you in the economy.

 

Kim Kardashian’s KKW makeup line is getting a brand makeover. One of her products includes a special lip gloss that will keep your lips moist, when kissing your first, second, third and even fourth husband.

 

This is the coolest story, an 82-year-old grandmother with nearly 20,000 hours of flight time who was trained in the Mercury Astronaut program is finally going into space with Jeff Bezos. Bezos plans to make her the oldest Amazon delivery driver to the moon.

 

This is crazy, but the defense minister of the Ukraine is planning to have female military cadets march in an upcoming parade wearing high heels. The defense minister is referring to it as “Fashion Week.”

 

Joe Biden is still pushing his $6T dollar infrastructure plan. Democrats sincerely believe that it’s best for our country, while Republicans believe that Joe just plans to flip the US and sell it out to China.

 

On Thursday, on what would have been her 60th birthday, Prince William and Prince Harry will lead a ceremony honoring their mother, Prince Diana with a memorial statute.  Prince Charles isn’t coming to the ceremony, he’s already seen Diana frozen and unyielding.

 

The White House has been fighting reports that there is trouble in Vice President Kamala Harris’s office. While some had said she’s showing her butt during recent interviews, she’s merely photographing her butt on the copy machine.

 

The White House has been fighting reports that there is trouble in Vice President Kamala Harris’s office. Critics that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s a figurehead VP, while even harsher critics say that she is a bobblehead VP.

 

President Biden held an Independence Day party on the White House Lawn hosting 1000 people. It’s for the 1,000 people who actually voted for him.

 

A possible tornado swept through DC leaving thousands without power. At Reagan National, winds of 52 mph were reported. Winds of 52 mph? That’s nothing, winds are higher than that when Congress is in session.

 

At Wimbledon this weekend, Roger Federer became the oldest male to reach the quarter finals. He doesn’t want to be put out to pasture, but it doesn’t matter, because at Wimbledon, you’re already playing on pasture.

 

At Wimbledon this weekend, Serena Williams went out in the first round. She became injured while slipping up on the grass. Snoop Dogg said he understood, he’s slipped up on grass too.

Some Jokes from June 

 

Facebook has determined that President Trump’s accounts will be suspended for two more years as FB has said that Trump is a “risk to public safety.” They claim his posts are so fishy that others are getting salmonella.  
 

President Biden was criticized for skipping off to the beach midweek to celebrate his wife’s 70th birthday. Trump said that this was hideous. Joe asked, “For going to the beach?” Trump said, “No, for having a 70-year-old wife.”
 

Ben and Jerry’s is still waiting on Federal approval to roll out their CBD ice cream. They come in pints, half gallons and dime bags.
 

Queen Elizabeth is upset about Prince Harry’s oversharing about his mental health and suffering. Harry lives in a $15 million dollar house in a neighborhood with Oprah Winfrey. Harry has suffered greatly, he needs to live near “better celebrities.”
 

Starting next month, Disneyland California will be selling a Panini sandwich that costs $100. But in theme park style, they’ve got a sign, “You must the ‘this rich’ to eat at this restaurant.”
 

Meghan Markle wants another luxurious and extravagant baby shower.  You’ve got to give credit to Markle, she took her womb and turned it into an ATM.
 

According to a study, although being together even more during the pandemic, people are having less sex. The sad thing about this is that Bill Gates is getting more action that you are.

OLDIES BUT GOODIES

“Major” the first pet bit someone Monday for the second time. When asked, “How do you like the Secret Service agents?”  Major said, “rare.”
 

According to a study, after almost a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart had shrunk. In a similar study, after many years as speaker of the house, the same thing happened to Nancy Pelosi.
 

Kanye West, now worth over 6.5 billion has become the richest black man in US History.  6.5 billion dollars, that’s more than enough to pay for a butt lift for everybody in Bora Bora.

 

After calling Vladimir Putin a killer, Putin challenged Joe Biden to a live online debate. Biden said he’s looking forward to debating his favorite topic:  “Mary Ann or Ginger.”

 

President Biden tripped and stumbled twice as he walked up the stairs to Air Force One. Poor Joe, when asked which president he looked up to the most, he said, “From this vantage point, all of them.”

Hilaria Baldwin just had her 6th child, some are calling her a super mama, some are just calling her a super spreader.

Dr. Jill Biden says she will assume a more active role as the first lady. That’s probably because Joe Biden will assume a less active role as President.
 

President Trump has established an office of “the former President” in Florida. The décor is inspirational, the urinal in the executive washroom contains a photo of Joe Biden.
 

Coca-Cola has launched Coke with Coffee.  If they want Coke sales to go through the roof, then they should just put the cocaine back into the recipe.
 

Joe Biden has added a moon rock to the Oval Office in support of America’s exploration of outer space. Actually, it’s not a moon rock, it was sediment from his basement where he stayed throughout his campaign.
 

An Oklahoma lawmaker is pushing a bill to establish a hunting season for Big Foot. Legislation for a “Big Foot hunting season” is just another vain attempt by conservatives to uphold the second amendment.
 

Head coach and GM of the NE Patriots, Bill Belichick has declined his Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Belichick is going for a minimalist look on his mantle this year: no Medal of Freedom or Super Bowl LV trophy.
 

Facebook sent out a memo urging its employees not to wear Facebook-branded items for safety. Employees are going under the radar, they’re wearing clothing from MySpace.
 

Bill Gates, a big advocate for climate change is attempting to buy a private jet firm.  Is this a good idea? The man who wants to be involved in aviation is the same one who can’t keep Microsoft Word from crashing.

​Alex Trebek’s last episode of Jeopardy was aired last night. If TV were fair, we’d have more episodes of Alex Trebek’s “Jeopardy” and fewer episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
 

A staffer from Buckingham Palace is now in jail for stealing items from the palace and selling them on E-Bay. So far, the biggest thing stolen from the palace for resale and profit is Prince Harry.
 

With only 10 days before Biden’s swearing-in, Nancy Pelosi is calling for the removal of President Trump from office. Poor Nancy, she’s suffering from a bad case of premature eradication.
 

With such a stressful year, people are drinking a little bit more so “Dry January” isn’t a big thing. People aren’t backing off.  More partying begs the question, “Which strain of weed goes with what strain of coronavirus?”
 

Johnny Carson’s original DeLorean is up for auction. You may not know that the car once broke down on the freeway and those gullwing doors prevented Johnny from getting out. Johnny said if these doors were any more constrictive, they’d be an NBC contract.
 

Late Night Host James Corden says he’s sick and tired of the way he looks and plans to do something about it. He walked out on stage the other night and said, “Does this TV Show make my butt look big?”

Over 190,000 ceiling fans sold are being recalled because the blades could spin-off making this was the worst spin-off since Joanie loves ChaChi.
 

The company who makes King’s Hawaiian Rolls has a lawsuit filed against it, saying that its “Hawaiian rolls aren’t even made in Hawaii.” The company’s defense was, “Well neither was Barack Obama.”
 

On Gallup’s Most Admired Person’s List, President Trump was named the most admired man. The Democrats split their votes between Obama, Biden, and Dr. Fauci, whom you might know better as, “hero, zero and bozo.”
 

On Gallup’s Most Admired Person’s List, President Trump was named the most admired man. He was also voted “Class clown” and “Least Likely to Concede.” 
 

Paul McCartney now has his first number one album in Britain in 31 years. Apparently, Paul’s album has gotten more spins in the UK than Sarah Ferguson. 
 

Authorities in Florida found 74 pounds of cocaine floating in the waters near the Florida Keys. Tourists looked at it as party time, but locals saw the incoming white stuff and muttered, “Gentrification.”  
 

Republican Party officials are speculating that President Trump will want an airport named after him.  And in accordance with his “loss” in 2020. It’ll be called Chump International.​​

 

Kim Kardashian is giving $500 to 1,000 people. That’s what I like about Kim.  Herbert Hoover once promised a chicken in every pot, 100 years later, Kim promises a Birkin bag in every closet.​​

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was beaten out by a colleague for an important seat on the House Democratic Steering Committee. Her colleagues said AOC can be a little bratty sometimes and the best seat for her to sit in is a booster seat.
 

The Cambridges and the Sussexes have sent Christmas gifts to one another and it was quite telling. Not to say that Harry is in deep doo-doo with the Royal Family or anything, but William sent him a Diaper Genie.

According to a study over 1/3 of Americans have a secret stash of money from their partners. Some cougars call this “earnest money,” so they can keep up their pool boy “Ernest.”

 ​ 

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip just celebrated their 73rd Wedding Anniversary. Not to be outdone, one day Meghan Markle plans to celebrate her 73rd husband.

 

After Alex Trebek’s passing, Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings will become the interim host.  His appointment was unanimous and agreed upon by all the swing states.

 ​  

The Presidential election seems to be dragging on forever.  It’s possible that when Santa comes for Christmas, his bag won’t contain toys for boys and girls, it’ll be full of more votes for Joe Biden.
 

Kanye West voted for the first time in his life when he voted for himself as president via a write-in vote. Kanye’s handwriting was easily distinguishable, it was written in his signature crayon.

 

Jennifer Aniston said it is not funny to vote for Kanye and that we should be responsible. And the irony is that a woman who known for not being able to choose the right man for a husband is advising us on choosing the leader of the free world.

  

Scientists have now observed the phenomena of “Fast Radio Bursts” for the first time in our galaxy. It’s no big deal, the Man in the Moon is tired of hearing election coverage too and he’s just trying to change the station.

 

Despite a country-wide ban on smoking in N. Korea, Kim Jong Un continues to puff away.  So the only butt allowed now in N. Korea, is Kim Jong Un.

 

The UK just went under a second lockdown making it illegal for more than 6 people to gather together at a time; which could affect the Royal Family’s Christmas plans. Except for Prince Andrew, who said that “6 at one time” is perfect. 

 

Macy’s Santaland will not be in person this year and Santa won’t be leaving the North Pole. So now if people still want to be given free stuff, they’ll have to wait until Joe Biden gets in office. 

 

Since he no longer represents the Royal Family, Prince Harry was denied permission in the UK to participate in a Remembrance Day Ceremony.  Harry wanted to lay a wreath, while palace officials said he should just shut up and go lay Meghan Markle.

 

Britney Spears is still trying to get her father, Jamie removed as her conservator. Daddy Spears has his hands in her pockets so much, it’s considered incest.

 

Prince Charles has launched a line of sustainable clothing. The coat pockets are secured by a zipper to protect your assets from pickpockets, like your ungrateful non-working son and his self-absorbed wife.

 

Ant Anstead, whose divorce from his new wife Christina was just announced will also be leaving his TV Show “Wheeler Dealers.” Ant said, “He can’t seem to hold onto a job or his wives.”  Don’t worry Ant, we know a president who has the exact same problem.

​The Charlie Brown holiday shows won’t be on network TV. There won’t be “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” So now, if the kids want to see something big and orange on TV, they’ll have to watch reruns of “The Apprentice.”

 

​Jennifer Aniston has rescued a new puppy named “Lord Chesterfield.” Here’s someone with a royal title that will be way more loyal than Meghan and Prince Harry.​

Sy Sperling, hair loss sufferer and creator of “The Hair Club for Men” passed away last week. To be consistent with his life's mission, he’ll be buried underneath a patch of artificial turf.

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