Monologue Jokes

  • An Oklahoma lawmaker is pushing a bill to establish a hunting season for Big Foot. Legislation for a “Big Foot hunting season” is just another vain attempt by conservatives to uphold the second amendment.
     

  • Head coach and GM of the NE Patriots, Bill Belichick has declined his Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Belichick is going for a minimalist look on his mantle this year: no Medal of Freedom or Super Bowl LV trophy.
     

  • Now you can go online and order your Girl Scout cookies.  You may not know this, they have a new cookie that comes in its box already broken.  It’s called “That’s how the election cookie crumbles.”
     

  • Facebook sent out a memo urging its employees not to wear Facebook branded items for safety. Employees are going under the radar, they’re wearing clothing from MySpace.
     

  • Bill Gates, big advocate for climate change is attempting to buy a private jet firm.  Is this a good idea? The man who wants to be involved in aviation is the same one who can’t keep Microsoft Word from crashing.

  • ​Alex Trebek’s last episode of Jeopardy was aired last night. If TV were fair, we’d have more episodes of Alex Trebek’s “Jeopardy” and fewer episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
     

  • A staffer from Buckingham Palace is now in jail for stealing items from the palace and selling them on E-Bay. So far, the biggest thing stolen from the palace for resale and profit is Prince Harry.
     

  • With only 10 days before Biden’s swearing-in, Nancy Pelosi is calling for the removal of President Trump from office. Poor Nancy, she’s suffering from a bad case of premature eradication.
     

  • With such a stressful year, people are drinking a little bit more so “Dry January” isn’t a big thing. People aren’t backing off.  More partying begs the question, “Which strain of weed goes with what strain of coronavirus?”
     

  • Johnny Carson’s original DeLorean is up for auction. You may not know that the car once broke down on the freeway and those gullwing doors prevented Johnny from getting out. Johnny said if these doors were any more constrictive, they’d be an NBC contract.
     

  • Late Night Host James Corden says he’s sick and tired of the way he looks and plans to do something about it. He walked out on stage the other night and said, “Does this TV Show make my butt look big?”

  • Over 190,000 ceiling fans sold are being recalled because the blades could spin-off making this was the worst spin-off since Joanie loves ChaChi.
     

  • The company who makes King’s Hawaiian Rolls has a lawsuit filed against it, saying that its “Hawaiian rolls aren’t even made in Hawaii.” The company’s defense was, “Well neither was Barack Obama.”
     

  • On Gallup’s Most Admired Person’s List, President Trump was named the most admired man. The Democrats split their votes between Obama, Biden, and Dr. Fauci, who you might know better as, “hero, zero and bozo.”
     

  • On Gallup’s Most Admired Person’s List, President Trump was named the most admired man. He was also voted “Class clown” and “Least Likely to Concede.” 
     

  • Paul McCartney now has his first number one album in Britain in 31 years. Apparently, Paul’s album has gotten more spins in the UK than Sarah Ferguson. 
     

  • Did you hear about this? Dr. Fauci received his first dose of the Moderna vaccine for the Coronavirus. Whenever they’re testing a new medicine, they always try it out first on the Laboratory Rat.
     

  • Authorities in Florida found 74 pounds of cocaine floating in the waters near the Florida Keys. Tourists looked at it as party time, but locals saw the incoming white stuff and muttered, “Gentrification.”  
     

  • Republican Party officials are speculating that President Trump will want an airport named after him.  And in accordance with his “loss” in 2020. It’ll be called Chump International.

 

  • A professor at Yale says that when Covid has passed, people will start making up for lost intimacy time. So even if Congress won’t give you a little stimulus for your checkbook, your partner might give you a little in the bedroom.

  • Kim Kardashian is giving $500 to 1,000 people. That’s what I like about Kim.  Herbert Hoover once promised a chicken in every pot, 100 years later, Kim promises a Birkin bag in every closet.

  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was beaten out by a colleague for an important seat on the House Democratic Steering Committee. Her colleagues said AOC can be a little bratty sometimes and the best seat for her to sit in is a booster seat.
     

  • The Cambridges and the Sussexes have sent Christmas gifts to one another and it was quite telling. Not to say that Harry is in deep doo-doo with the Royal Family or anything, but William sent him a Diaper Genie.

  • According to a study over 1/3 of Americans have a secret stash of money from their partners. Some cougars call this “earnest money,” so they can keep up their pool boy “Ernest.”

  

  • Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip just celebrated their 73rd Wedding Anniversary. Not to be outdone, one day Meghan Markle plans to celebrate her 73rd husband.

 

  • After Alex Trebek’s passing, Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings will become the interim host.  His appointment was unanimous and agreed upon by all the swing states.

   

  • The Presidential election seems to be dragging on forever.  It’s possible that when Santa comes for Christmas, his bag won’t contain toys for boys and girls, it’ll be full of more votes for Joe Biden.
     

  • Kanye West voted for the first time in his life when he voted for himself as president via a write-in vote. Kanye’s handwriting was easily distinguishable, it was written in his signature crayon.

 

  • Jennifer Aniston said it is not funny to vote for Kanye and that we should be responsible. And the irony is that a woman who known for not being able to choose the right man for a husband is advising us on choosing the leader of the free world.

  

  • Scientists have now observed the phenomena of “Fast Radio Bursts” for the first time in our galaxy. It’s no big deal, the Man in the Moon is tired of hearing election coverage too and he’s just trying to change the station.

 

  • Despite a country-wide ban on smoking in N. Korea, Kim Jong Un continues to puff away.  So the only butt allowed now in N. Korea, is Kim Jong Un.

 

  • The UK just went under a second lockdown making it illegal for more than 6 people to gather together at a time; which could affect the Royal Family’s Christmas plans. Except for Prince Andrew, who said that “6 at one time” is perfect. 

 

  • Macy’s Santaland will not be in person this year and Santa won’t be leaving the North Pole. So now if people still want to be given free stuff, they’ll have to wait until Joe Biden gets in office. 

 

  • Since he no longer represents the Royal Family, Prince Harry was denied permission in the UK to participate in a Remembrance Day Ceremony.  Harry wanted to lay a wreath, while palace officials said he should just shut up and go lay Meghan Markle.

 

  • Britney Spears is still trying to get her father, Jamie removed as her conservator. Daddy Spears has his hands in her pockets so much, it’s considered incest.

 

  • Prince Charles has launched a line of sustainable clothing. The coat pockets are secured by a zipper to protect your assets from pickpockets, like your ungrateful non-working son and his self-absorbed wife.

 

  • Ant Anstead, whose divorce from his new wife Christina was just announced will also be leaving his TV Show “Wheeler Dealers.” Ant said, “He can’t seem to hold onto a job or his wives.”  Don’t worry Ant, we know a president who has the exact same problem.

  • ​The Charlie Brown holiday shows won’t be on network TV. There won’t be “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” So now, if the kids want to see something big and orange on TV, they’ll have to watch reruns of “The Apprentice.”

 

  • ​Jennifer Aniston has rescued a new puppy named “Lord Chesterfield.” Here’s someone with a royal title that will be way more loyal than Meghan and Prince Harry.​

  • Sy Sperling, hair loss sufferer and creator of “The Hair Club for Men” passed away last week. To be consistent with his life's mission, he’ll be buried underneath a patch of artificial turf.

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