MARIE KONDO COLD OPEN
This was a cold open sketch we did on Late Night Cup of Joe right after Marie Kondo's show "Tidying Up" first came out on Netflix. In this sketch, the host and his writers are in the studio trying to figure out which jokes to include in the monologue and Marie Kondo steps in to help.
MONOLOGUE THAT "BRINGS JOY"
INT: Writer's Room
HOST & WRITERS
[huddled together going over jokes written on cue cards adlibbing to one another]
...Do you like this one? Well, I don't know...
HOST
C'mon guys we need to pull this monologue together.
ONE OF THE WRITERS
Well, I think we've got some good stuff here.
SFX
[Knock on the door]
HOST
[opens door looking puzzled as he to an actress
playing "Marie Kondo"]
Um, we're kind of busy right now,
May I help you?
MARIE KONDO
I'm here to help you.
A FEMALE WRITER
That's Marie Kondo!
HOST
Marie who?
MARIE KONDO
I'm Marie Kondo and I.like.mess!
[production note: Marie Kondo speaks in a soft staccato voice in real life]
HOST
[looking around]
There's nothing wrong with this place.
MARIE KONDO
Place.fine. Monologue.a.mess.
I help you make better.
HOST
How are you going to do that?
MARIE KONDO
We.choose.jokes.that.spark.joy.
But first, I must bless studio.
[production note: Marie always sits down on the floor to bless a home or area that she is working on.]
[Blesses studio in silence and then gets up and proceeds]
First, you take all jokes and put them in the middle of the floor. We find the ones that "spark joy" and then the rest, we thank them for their service, then they go to the
trash can.
WRITERS
[Put all the cue cards in a pile in the center of the studio so Marie and the host can review them.]
HOST
What about this one?
MARIE KONDO
Lorena Bobbit joke: too old
HOST
[tosses cue card in a discard/trash pile
and picks up another one]
How about this one?
MARIE KONDO
Donald Trump joke: he.no.funny.
HOST
[tosses cue card in a discard/trash pile
and picks up another one]
How about this one?
MARIE KONDO
Um, Mitch McConnell turtle joke: too hacky.
HOST
[tosses cue card in a discard/trash pile
and picks up another one]
Do you like this one?
MARIE KONDO
Meghan Markle joke: nobody cares.
HOST
[tosses cue card in a discard/trash pile
and picks up another one]
This joke?
MARIE KONDO
Tom Brady joke: he's a jerk.
FAST FORWARD: Host and Marie going through an entire pile of jokes resulting in a big pile of discarded material and now there are no jokes left in the monologue.
MARIE KONDO
[Big smile]
See, don't you feel better now?
HOST
[looking despondent]
I dunno Marie. I'm in trouble here, I've got nothing.
[Showing her the door]
Next time you want to improve a monologue,
go help Jimmy Kimmel, okay?
[host walks away]
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