Monologue #1

Coca Cola has launched Coke with Coffee.  If they want Coke sales to go through the roof, then they should just put the cocaine back into the recipe.
 

With such a stressful year, “Dry January” was a flop this year. In fact, people are asking Martha Stewart, “Which strain of weed goes with what strain of coronavirus?” Stewart says, “Best weed? Let me ask my friend, Snoop Dogg.”
 

Folks are in the process of getting their vaccines and it was found that a leading Chinese coronavirus vaccine has shown to be only 50% effective than originally claimed. The vaccine is like ordering Chinese food, although you pay for a full meal, it only lasts only half as long.
 

Now people 75 and over in Vermont can now get vaccinated against coronavirus. Bernie Sanders is thrilled, he said he can’t wait to get his mittens on a dose.
 

Joe Biden is in the White House and has redecorated the Oval Office. In fact, he’s added a moon rock to support America’s exploration of outer space. Actually, it’s not a moon rock, it was sediment from his basement where he stayed throughout his campaign.
 

Joe Biden has decided to keep the box that had President Trump’s “Diet Coke button.” When Trump rang, someone brought him a Diet Coke.  Biden thinks it’s a flight attendant call button, whenever he pushes it, he wants someone to bring him a pillow and a blanket.

 

Joe Biden’s two dogs, Champ and Major are on their way to the White House. Now when Dr. Jill says, “Heel,” Joe will say, “Yep, that’s me.”
 

Meanwhile, Donald Trump has established an office of “the former President” in Florida. The décor is inspirational, the urinal in the executive washroom contains a photo of Joe Biden.
 

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will soon be guest-hosting Jeopardy.  This could be fun, the winner of Jeopardy will not only get their prize winnings, but they’ll also get a bucket of Gatorade dumped on top of their head.
 

You heard that Tom Brady’s Buccaneers beat the Packers and will be going to the Superbowl.

Patriot’s fans are still cheering for Brady to be the best QB ever, to win another Superbowl, and to have more diamond rings on his fingers than Elizabeth Taylor.
 

Did you hear that a staffer from Buckingham Palace is now in jail for stealing items from the palace and selling them on E-Bay. So far, the biggest thing stolen from the palace to be used for resale and profit is Prince Harry.

 

And finally…

 

Prince Charles's favorite animal is the Red Squirrel and he’s fascinated by how good the squirrel is at hiding his nuts.  Considering how much trouble Meghan Markle has caused, sometimes Charles wishes his red-headed son, would have done a much better job of hiding his.

 

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