STUCK IN TRAFFIC

This sketch was originally written as requested by a Christian Comedian. It's a sketch of a person stuck in traffic and wants to curse so badly he can't stand it and is written as a monologue piece with corresponding sound effects.  While reflecting spiritual themes, this sketch still reflects comedic situations and dialogue and is another example of some of the work I've done.

INT: Of a sedan. 

Comedian is sitting in the car and can see cars creeping along and hears the horns honking from other frustrated drivers.

Sound FX:

Cars honking, yelling in the background.

COMEDIAN

Stop honking!

[Looks at a driver and yells]

Put a sock in it, buddy.

Sound FX:

Some guy yelling in the background.

COMEDIAN

[Looks at the camera surprised]

Sheesh, what a potty mouth.

[at driver]

Hey, you kiss your wife with that mouth? Ewww!

[at camera]

See, I can't do that, I can't curse, well I can curse but I'm not supposed to because I'm a Christian.  Christians are held to a higher standard... and that makes it so hard.  I'm human, I get mad too.

[shaking hands in the air towards the traffic in frustration]

[at camera]

The longer we all sit out here in this traffic jam, the worse it is... we're all pots on the stove getting ready to boil over and the only way, the only way to release the tension and to keep from exploding, is to open your mouth and try not let the wrong words fall out.

Sound FX:

More yelling in the background from the same guy.

COMEDIAN

[shakes head and glances toward the other driver and mutters]

Potty mouth.

[at camera]

[wrinkling his face in disgust]

This guy's mouth is so dirty, he doesn't brush his teeth, he just flushes.

Those words aren't in my Bible, maybe they're in "his Bible," [making mock quotation marks with his hands]

the NNSSE Version: The New Nautical Swearing Sailor Edition.

[incredulously]

I know we're not supposed to judge lest we be judged,

but that guy over there would make Popeye the Sailor blush.

"His Bible."

[mock quotation marks with hands]

I'm making fun here, but you can't make it up as you go along and just follow the parts you want to and ignore the rest.

You're either all in or you're not.

People like to make up their own versions of God's Word, but God says, "No!" Revelation 22 says we shouldn't add anything to the Bible -or- God will add unto him the plagues written in His book.  Wow!

[looking towards the driver and pointed in his direction and snickers]

Pal, looks like you're in a heap of trouble.

[looks at camera]

Maybe it's not obvious to everyone, but it's not like there is an 11th Commandment in the Bible that says, "Thou shalt not curse thy neighbor... even if he deserves it."

But the tongue is a dangerous thing.  You know what I mean.

How many people have had somebody beat their ear into submission?

[hands cupped over ears]

"You're killing me.  SHUT UP!"

Oh no, see most of us are like, [sassy] "I've got a mouth and I'm not afraid to use it."

But God says differently.  He says that from the same mouth you shouldn't have both blessing and cursing.  And we say, "Lord, you don't know, I'm stuck out here on this interstate and I'm not going anywhere."  And God is like, "You're not going anywhere either until you change your attitude."

[laborious exhalation]

SOUND FX:

Horns honk agan, louder, more yelling

COMEDIAN

[at camera]

Like I said earlier... "Mr. Potty Mouth" has called me every name in the book, but I can't return the favor, but ohhh do I want to.

Guys, I confess, just because you're a Christian doesn't mean that your pot won't boil over from time to time and that you don't want to take off the lid and let the steam out.  It's natural, you know?

See, I'm not supposed to say curse words as a Christian, but somewhere along the way, God created the euphemism.  A euphemism is when you say it, but you jkust don't say it as harshly, and you disguise your intentions.  My friends in the south are famous for this.  If you don't know this, know this now, when a southerner says, "Bless Your Heart," it means "You're an idiot!"

Honestly, I'm going to do my darndest not to curse, but if I continue to be stuck  out here much longer, you may get to hear some choice euphemisms.

[situation intensifies]

SOUND FX:

Horns honk again louder and more yelling again and continues through his monologue below)

COMEDIAN

[His flesh is starting to get to him and he's growing increasingly impatient having a bit of a meltdown]

[Looking out of the window]

Stop honking!

[at camera]

So what if I'm not perfect.  I'm sitting out here, stuck with all of these "heathens."

I can't move and I'm surrounded by idiots.  It might not be hell, but I can sure see it from here.  I swear, that woman in that SUV has a pitchfork.  What is she doing?  Ah, geez, she's putting on make up, like that'll help. Lady, you don't need a makeover, you need an exorcism. (TOP OF PAGE 3)

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