Here are some "Monologue Chunks"
Jokes Based on a Single Topic
Joe Biden Takes his Wife to the Beach to Celebrate her 70th Birthday
Happy Birthday to Dr. Jill Biden who turned 70 years old last week. President Biden was criticized for skipping off to the beach midweek for her birthday, while Jill was just glad that the old guy remembered.
Taking off in the middle of the week, Democrats secretly hoped he’d finish his infrastructure plan, while Republicans secretly hoped Biden would swim with the fishes.
Former President Trump thought that this action was incomprehensible. Joe said, “C’mon man, for going to the beach?” Trump said, “No, for having a 70-year-old wife!”
That’s the thing when Biden goes to the beach, he goes to pick up a few shells; when Trump goes to the beach, he goes to pick up a few mermaids.
Despite Covid Outbreak, IOC refuses Tokyo Cancelling the Summer Olympics
The Summer Olympics are coming up next month and Tokyo is in a Covid state of emergency, but the IOC won’t cancel the Olympics. There are billions of dollars on the line. Billions of dollars on the line? Melinda Gates was like, “yep, I know what you mean.”
The IOC has an iron-clad agreement with Tokyo that’s unbreakable. Even Kanye West was like, “Damn, it’s easier to get out of a marriage with Kim Kardashian.”
And the scary thing is that the 2022 Winter Olympics are scheduled to be in China. Wouldn’t it be safer to hold the Olympics over Zoom? It couldn’t be any worse than the Academy Awards.
Tokyo residents are against the Olympics because of the danger. They say the only sports they plan to watch is the chef throwing knives at the Japanese steakhouse.
But since they’re stuck with it, officials are planning an elaborate opening ceremony that features a sacrifice of Dr. Fauci.
The Donald’s 757
People are asking former President Donald Trump about what is going on with his Boeing 757, which he says is getting restored and updated. And as in the same fashion as his presidency, his favorite leather recliner has been changed to an ejection seat.
Restored and updated: loosely translated means is that they’re steaming the KFC stains out of the upholstery.
Did you hear this? He hired a new crew of flight attendants from Vladimir Putin’s harem. And in Trump style, he told them, “Just put it over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.”
Trump wants to make sure his plane is safe and airworthy. It’ll be flight-checked and test flown and just to make sure it’s structurally sound, he’s sending Joe Biden up the stairs.
$100 Panini Sandwiches at Disneyland
Did you hear about this? Disneyland California will be selling a Panini sandwich that costs $100. To put this into perspective, with your last stimulus check, you could afford 14 panini sandwiches at Disney.
Oh yes, before you order, the waiter first checks your credit. You know they’re serious, the waiter wants his tips in Cryptocurrency.
And in theme park style, the restaurant has a sign out front that says, “You must be this rich to eat at this restaurant.”